Saturday, May 15, 2010

More About Me

I have been overweight whether by 20 pounds, 100 pounds or now 170 pounds.  I have never been skinny.  Ever.  The smallest I have been since 10 was a 12.  I even had a period where I was doing not so nice things to my body and still didn't end up where I wanted to be.

I'm an emotional eater for sure, well I used to be, now when I get upset I generally wallow but don't stuff my face.  It's a work in progress however because if I see something that looks tasty then I want it but I'm not able to just have A cookie or A small piece, I have to have 3 or 4 or several times where I didn't even realize it was ALL GONE!!  When I was younger I would sneak food and hide food in my room.  I knew that I shouldn't be doing it but I still did.  Too this day I'm not sure why I did some of those things.  Growing up I felt completely unloved by anyone but my siblings.  And then they became almost ashamed of me because I was skinny like the other kids (they have since had their own weight struggles).  They informed me years later that their friends would make fun of me and it upset them so they just didn't want to give the friends the opportunities.  It's really sweet when you think about it.  I have never felt loved by my mother.  Not once.  I see pictures of when I was little and it was just me and before she went through her own emotional gauntlet (she was very overweight when I was little little but I don't remember it, she is bulimic and anorexic, recovering) and she looks happy with me and I look happy with her but I wish I could remember it like that.  I just don't.  I spent years and years trying to show her that I was lovable and did everything I could to make her proud, I worked so hard to gain validation and I never received it.  Recently I made the biggest decision of my life and chose to no longer speak to her.  She is just too emotionally damaging.  I am in an incredible, loving and amazing relationship.  I sadly, didn't know what love was until the past few years.  Real true unexpecting love.  It's amazing and has really helped me pack on pounds but now finally realize that if I want to live with this love for as long as possible I need to be healthy and even know my cholesterol and blood pressure and all that have always been fine, it still isn't healthy.  My father left when I was younger and the man I call my father was abusive when I was younger but has since gotten help.  Since I had my own child me and him are working on our relationship.  The man she is married to now and I are working on it too.  My husband is my first healthy relationship outside of my brothers I have had with a man.

That's a little into the inner part of how I got to this point.  I hate that I used food to make myself feel better even though I knew that it wasn't helping, I kept doing it.  I'm one of a long line of this and I really hope to break it with my son by providing him with good healthy food and an active lifestyle and never letting a day go that he doesn't know how much I love him.  I never want him to go on the emotional rollercoaster that I have.  Ever.

More on weight loss another day...I'm feeling a bit emotional now!

No comments:

Post a Comment