Sunday, May 30, 2010

What It's Like Overweight...

I know alot of people do not have sympathy for fat people and believe me I get it.  Most people ate themselves huge and who can they blame but themselves?  Some people are just bigger no matter what they do, but by 20 pounds not 100s.  I have never been the stereotypical fat person.  I didn't sit around all day stuffing my face with cake or eating three pizzas.  I ate more then other people I realized eventually but I just usually didn't feel full.  Even now I rarely feel full but I feel satisfied.  When I was pregnant I ate a lot of sweets and that has carried over too now but not tons.  When I used to get depressed or sad I would eat a lot but only if it was there.  If I made a pan of brownies I could and usually did eat the pan by the end of the day.  If I had promised my then boyfriend brownies I would make another pan and pretend I never made the first one.  I was really in a strange place with eating for awhile and then I went to the extreme end and stopped eating and now I'm trying to do things the right (and very slow) way.

Back on topic what is it like for us fatties.  Everything is about what you can't do.  When I go places with chairs in the waiting room I wonder can I sit there?  We went out to lunch today and had to sit at a big table all together, I always sit on the end I going to be able to comfortably sit between two people?  It's hard to pick clothes now because my body is different.  Is this going to look good on me?  Airplanes...I try to avoid them ever since the one time I had to get a belt extension on a plane with a high school girls basket ball team.  My seatmate so kindly told her friend I had to get one, who told her friend who told her friend and soon I spent a three hour flight with a bunch of looks.  One time I had to fly after that and I told the attendant I was pregnant so I would probably need an extension.  She acted like it was no big deal and slipped it too me discreetly, I found that hilarious.  Booths at I going to fit and be comfortable?  Is that big enough for me?  When I was pregnant I got so big that I couldn't fit in Waffle House, IHOP or the local pizza places booths.  I do now but the memory is still there.  Is my son going to grow up and say 'I don't want too be fat like you mommy.' like my sisters kids do?  NO it won't because I will be smaller by then and healthier.  He will remember his mommy active and not skinny but healthy.  You can't shop at the same stores as everyone else.  My dream is too be UNable to shop at Lane Bryant.  I want to be able to grab cute shit cheap like everyone else size 14 and under.  When your overweight it's all about can't.

Not anymore, now I am working too I can, I will and I did.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Weighty Wendesday!

Short and sweet because Flabby has some things to do today...laundry, child time and returning raspberries.  I bought them yesterday, brought them home and one is moldy!  Eww!  Lesson learned to check my berries!

Weight 317.9 which is a loss of... .5 lbs

Neck 16...same
Bust 43.5... -.5"
Waist 48... -.5"
Hips 58.75... -.25"
Arm 20... -1"
Thigh 32... -1"
Calf 21... same

So that's a total of .5 lbs and 3.25" which is AWESOME and suprising because Mother Nature and her gift of bloat arrived a few days ago!  WOO!

Monday, May 24, 2010

FMB Tuesday!

HELLO!  If you stopped by, I'm a new blog, 20 something working to lose 170 pounds.  If you want to keep up with my progress and encourage me follow along!

If you would like to participate in this meme then go here and link it up!



Do you ever wonder why we lose motivation?  Is it that things are too hard?  Unsupportive spouse?  Lazy?  There are lots of things that make the weight loss journey long and difficult but the goal is not too give up.  I have been heavy most of my life and I can easily say that what has worked against me is self sabatauge.  I will inevitably make myself fail so that I can prove I couldn't do it.  In my heart I know that I can but it's going to be a slow, sometimes seemingly unrewarding process but it will be worth it in the end.  My brain says who cares whether you are fat or skinny?  Your husband can't keep his hands of of you and you love it.  Yes I do love that my husband can't keep his hands of me BUT I do not love it.  I feel gross, fat and disgusting somedays.  If I'm a little bloated (like today, thank YOU mother nature for bestowing gifts) I will get depressed.  Before you go all 'oh I'm sure your pretty'...I am.  However, lately I have been having more and more ugly days.  More and more I notice the extra weight.  More and more I see myself becoming a big ole fatty and you know what it makes me want to do?  Find a damn cookie and eat it, then find more.  I am really working hard on not being an emotional eater and doing what needs to be done.  Sometimes it's difficult because it's such a natural thing for me to do.  Bad cream.  Good day..pasta.  After a week of 'good eating' I would give myself a 'treat' usually outdoing all of the work I had done.  That was the old me. 

The new me says...I WILL do this.  I will lose weight and live a 'normal' lifestyle.
The old me would say...who's going to know if you cheat? 
The new me says...I will know and I don't want to feel guilty anymore.
The old me used to feel guilty for eating, that since I was already so large I didn't need anymore food.
The new me will eat when hungry and eat things that are good for my body.

My next post will be weigh in number 3 and then I think I will do a post about what life is like as an overweight person.  People who have never been even a little weight do not understand.
The old me can go get bent while the new me finds her way out!

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Maybe we should just start to make this Thursday weigh in! 

Sorry the posts are sparse, I write another blog and there is a lot going on over there with Mission Monkey and Daffys sister and I'm just really more focused on that.

I worked out once this week, I feel like I failed myself but I have been flat out exhausted between baby, husband, family and other things I haven't found the time.  I realize that now that I'm a parent that will happen a lot more but I really need to focus on taking even 15 minutes a day for myself to work out.  Even 15 minutes is 15 minutes.

The number is:
318.4 which is...a loss of .4 lbs
neck 16  -.5"
bust 43.5  -.5"
waist 48.5  +.5"
hips 59  same
arm 21  same
thigh 33  same
calf 21  same

Total -.4lbs and 1"

Slow but I was ok since I barely worked out and have been stressed! Woo!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Follow Me Back Tuesday!

BWS tips button

Found this new link up and decided to participate!  If you would like to link up then just go here!

I've been very tired this week and the next weigh in is tomorrow!  More then!  Busy, busy, busy!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Positive Things!

After sharing some of my darker things yesterday, how bout some fun get to know me?

I am in my mid twenties and loving it!
I'm a daughter, sister, niece, MOTHER and wife.  I love all of my hats and wear them proudly.
I love music.
I'm an artist.
I love the heat and being outside.
I'm a giver and I'm really a great person and friend but it takes a few visits to know that.
I love to read!  Books, magazine, blogs...I love getting lost in words.
I love being girly but I'm also very tough.
I let my husband baby me sometimes because he likes too.
My son is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me and this whole journey has been inspired by him.

Who inspires you?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

More About Me

I have been overweight whether by 20 pounds, 100 pounds or now 170 pounds.  I have never been skinny.  Ever.  The smallest I have been since 10 was a 12.  I even had a period where I was doing not so nice things to my body and still didn't end up where I wanted to be.

I'm an emotional eater for sure, well I used to be, now when I get upset I generally wallow but don't stuff my face.  It's a work in progress however because if I see something that looks tasty then I want it but I'm not able to just have A cookie or A small piece, I have to have 3 or 4 or several times where I didn't even realize it was ALL GONE!!  When I was younger I would sneak food and hide food in my room.  I knew that I shouldn't be doing it but I still did.  Too this day I'm not sure why I did some of those things.  Growing up I felt completely unloved by anyone but my siblings.  And then they became almost ashamed of me because I was skinny like the other kids (they have since had their own weight struggles).  They informed me years later that their friends would make fun of me and it upset them so they just didn't want to give the friends the opportunities.  It's really sweet when you think about it.  I have never felt loved by my mother.  Not once.  I see pictures of when I was little and it was just me and before she went through her own emotional gauntlet (she was very overweight when I was little little but I don't remember it, she is bulimic and anorexic, recovering) and she looks happy with me and I look happy with her but I wish I could remember it like that.  I just don't.  I spent years and years trying to show her that I was lovable and did everything I could to make her proud, I worked so hard to gain validation and I never received it.  Recently I made the biggest decision of my life and chose to no longer speak to her.  She is just too emotionally damaging.  I am in an incredible, loving and amazing relationship.  I sadly, didn't know what love was until the past few years.  Real true unexpecting love.  It's amazing and has really helped me pack on pounds but now finally realize that if I want to live with this love for as long as possible I need to be healthy and even know my cholesterol and blood pressure and all that have always been fine, it still isn't healthy.  My father left when I was younger and the man I call my father was abusive when I was younger but has since gotten help.  Since I had my own child me and him are working on our relationship.  The man she is married to now and I are working on it too.  My husband is my first healthy relationship outside of my brothers I have had with a man.

That's a little into the inner part of how I got to this point.  I hate that I used food to make myself feel better even though I knew that it wasn't helping, I kept doing it.  I'm one of a long line of this and I really hope to break it with my son by providing him with good healthy food and an active lifestyle and never letting a day go that he doesn't know how much I love him.  I never want him to go on the emotional rollercoaster that I have.  Ever.

More on weight loss another day...I'm feeling a bit emotional now!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

First Official Weigh In

First of all HELLLLLOOO my 3 followers!!  I'm so glad to have you on this journey with me!  I was supposed to post this yesterday but my husband was off and I just lost track of time!

I have been slacking on my fitness pal only because I have been super busy but I'm not as much now so hopefully I will remember, the thing is such a great tool!  This won't be long because my baby just woke up BUT I will post more tonight or tomorrow.

Weight 318.8  that would be a + of 1.4lbs
Neck 16.5  +.5"...this one I don't really understand
Bust  44 (I measured wrong last week haha)
Waist 48  -1"
Hips 59  -1"
Arm  21  same
Thigh  33  same
Calf  21  -.5"

So I gained 1.4lbs but lost 2" so I'm pleased!

More tomorrow, gotta feed the kid!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Have you seen this website?  It's AWESOME!  I can plug in my food, and the database is HUGE and it does my calories for me, I put some random stuff I didn't expect to find in their database and it was there.  You can also plug in your exercise.  Did you know that cleaning the house burns A LOT of calories when you weigh 317 pounds?  I didn't either!  An hour and a half of light cleaning burnt over 500 calories!  I know that the lighter you are the less you burn but right now being this heavy is working to some kind of advantage I suppose.  I'm eating what we have on hand right now because I we don't go shopping for another week and just trying to watch portions.  So far so good.  I'm going to try to figure out how to put some of the fitness pal stuff on the blog.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hey there!

Let's get to know each other, I'm a 20 something who is on a mission to lose A LOT of weight, about 170 pounds to be exact.  I need to get healthy to live longer, in the past year and a half I have gained 80lbs, I was of course still overweight before but nothing like this!  The weird thing is...I didn't even notice!  Not really, I got pregnant and after I've had the baby I have just slowly been letting myself go and I stay in stretchy sweatpants most of the day which I know from What Not To Wear is a mistake because they stretch and you don't notice gains as much.  While I realize that most people lose weight to feel more attractive, mine is for health.  My husband hasn't been able to keep his hands off me at any weight I've been since we were together.  I also do realize that part of it is I want to feel better, it's been getting harder and harder the bigger I have gotten to convince myself I'm hot.  I still do, just not as often.  I finally let the doctor tell me what I weigh and I wanted to die.  Over 300 pounds!  I remember when I got over 200 lbs!

My starting stats (weigh ins and possibly pictures on Wednesdays)
Height:  5' 2"
Weight:  317.4
BMI:  58 (are you serious???)

Neck:  16
Arm:  21
Bust:  52
Waist:  49
Hip:  60
Thigh: 33
Calf:  21.5

We must fix this!  Or rather I must fix this.  I'm trying to weigh 150 pounds which is still overweight for my height but OH MAN if I can make that goal I can do ANYTHING!

Secret Fat Girl (although I'm sure it's not a secret!)